If I Don’t Like Your Driving, We Probably Won’t Make It As Friends…

I like driving. Sometimes when I need to clear my head, I just get in my car and drive. The kind of drive where you start making turns down streets you’ve never driven on, trying to get a little lost, just to see if you can make your way back without your navigation. There are certain times of the day though, that you just can’t do that. Fortunately, during those times, I don’t have a long commute to work. This is a really good thing because in Austin, where I live, we have some BAD drivers. Like, really bad. I’ve come to conclusion that the things these people do while driving that drive me bonkers, (haha get it?) are the same types of things that happen outside of the car that drive me bonkers. Now I’m also going to take the time to apologize in advance to my friends that fall into these categories. In my defense, the title does say “probably won’t work as friends.” (There are always exceptions to the rules.)

First case and point, the driver that won’t turn unless there is a full block in between them and on-coming traffic. This person misses opportunities in life because they’re not a go-getter.

Next up, the jerkface driving in the left lane going 5 under the speed limit. You must have been a B student and your parents told you they were proud of you, because you are the “good enough” type. The world will never see your A game.

Let’s keep this rolling…

The non-signaler. These people are just narcissists who believe they’re the only ones that matter.

The slow down to an almost complete stop to make a right turn AND not signal. These people are high anxiety AND clueless. They’ve probably had so many bad things happen because of their cluelessness that it gave them anxiety!

The “no one is gonna pass me!” driver. These people are competitive, which is not a bad thing, but they are only competing with other people. They don’t compete with themselves. They’ll only accomplish anything if someone is right beside them, and that person has to be doing well.

Is it bad that I find this kinda fun?? Oh well…on to the next one!

This next one doesn’t really piss me off, but so many of my friends get irate about this. The not turning right but driving in the right lane and getting stopped at the light. I kinda feel sorry for this one, seems like they just have bad luck. I mean, are we really NEVER supposed to drive in the right lane unless we’re turning right??? The left lane would be a cluster!

The brake happy fuck does, however, make me wanna get out of my car and smack them upside the head. Ya dumb. That’s it, just dumb. Moving on…

I’m sure I am missing a few key folks in here, but I’m going to go ahead and wrap this roast up with the #1 sworn enemy of the roads. The most nerve racking, headache inducing, hypertension causing drivers. Before I begin, I would just like to remind you all about the end of the first paragraph. There is a disclaimer. This last category includes a lot of people, I’m guessing about 35% of the drivers in Austin due to the number of times I have to encounter them. All of them just as bad as the others.

The. Worst. Drivers on the road…drumroll please…

The Prius driver. I don’t even know where to begin. Why can’t one of you pick a speed to drive and continue to drive at that speed?! Why will you go from driving 10 mph under the speed limit to driving 10 mph over the speed limit just because I’m driving that fast and passing you?! You speed up so I can’t pass you, get in front of me, and then brake! WHYYYYYYYY?! Is it because you’re saving the planet with your car and I’m not, so you want to make me drive slower? These folks will speed up to get on the road in front of you, mind you, there is no one behind you, get over and break. You could have done that BEHIND ME. Prius driver = speed up, get in front of car, slam on breaks.

I have to stop now. I want today to be a good day, one where I’m smiling, shaking hands, and kissing babies, not one where I have a scowl on my face, I answer every question with the word no – even if it doesn’t fit, and I push old ladies out of the way because they walk slow. Be safe on the road my friends. Make good decisions, in the car and in life.