Dating Is Dead, and We Totally Killed It.

If you talk to your single friends, you’ll most likely find that the general consensus is that dating sucks right now. Single-looking-for-a-relationship status is a tough one to be in. Especially for women. Now you may be expecting a male bashing post, but that’s not what you’re going to get.

This post is all about how we are bringing up our kids. How we raise boys versus how we raise girls. I’ve touched on this before, and am coming back to it now because it has really eff’ed with my own dating life.

We did women a solid and started raising them to be comfortable being strong, smart, opinionated, and independent women. Females are taught that they should be comfortable expressing their mind, expressing their feelings, and expressing their needs. We have started teaching young girls that they can be whatever they want in life, from CEO to President of the United States. That they can freely speak their mind, and turn down or put a stop to things and behaviors they do not like. This was a very important change in how we started bringing up our girls. It was a much needed and long-awaited change. While it has started, it still isn’t happening everywhere though.

What we forgot to do, was change how we are bringing up our young men. Men nowadays don’t quite know what to do with the women that have been lucky enough to be brought up in this way. They are still being taught that they are the ones that will go out and be the bosses, owners, and leaders in the world, along with other men. They are not taught that women are their peers. We don’t teach them that women have a say in things, and to respect the wishes of females. This is what makes it so hard for some men to take no as a one-time and final answer from a woman.

There are very real differences in how men and women think, and process information and feelings, but that should not affect teaching children that both men and women can be strong and independent. Single men now don’t know how to react to women that don’t need them. They are very offended, some even threatened, by this concept, when it really is a huge compliment. If someone doesn’t need you, yet wants to spend every day with you, that is quite flattering! It says a lot of good things about your character.

What we should have been doing, is teaching boys and girls how to lead together, regardless of sex. Accept the fact that males and females are different creatures, and teach kids how to accept this as well, without limiting roles we teach them about. “Yes, you are a very big boy. You will probably be able to squat more than her, but she may be able to out-sell you. If she does, she will also make more money than you.”

We also need to let boys express their feelings, from the very beginning. Strong and independent women don’t have time for games and bullshit. There’s nothing that will end a relationship faster than realizing you cannot have an adult conversation with someone. And by adult conversation, I mean direct, truthful, and tactful. If we keep teaching men they are not supposed to talk about their feelings, they are never going to cut it with the modern woman.

I do, however, believe that old dogs can learn new tricks, so if you are a man reading this, and agree with what’s being said, shed the olds ways and hop on into the new.

Author: lilbitreal

This blog is my outlet. I'm here to speak my mind about what I see going on in the world, my world. I don't like sugar coating, so don't expect any of that here, folks. Just trying to keep it real.

7 thoughts on “Dating Is Dead, and We Totally Killed It.”

  1. Well I wouldn’t shout at you but I would like to meet you. Interesting topic for sure. A woman with brains and actually uses it for the making of a difference in this world. I am in for finding out more of whats inside that heart of yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sarah –

    First of all, I’m sorry to hear your search is so challenging.

    From reading this I gather, men don’t have the necessary skills to survive strong contemporary women and she feels left out, like she’s intellectually or emotionally punching below her weight, unfulfilled, misread: my power is a good thing because we can be more powerful together and instead she is isolated for both power and beauty.
    That really does suck.

    What I hear you saying in this article is a couple of different things:
    1. A call to action for parents to make more conscious efforts to train boys to see girls as equal in power.
    For men to understand, an acknowledge the shift in power/gender dynamics and to embrace the talents that women bring to our society.
    And for males to respect and help cultivate those strengths in their partners, sisters and bosses in order to lead together.
    2. A call to action to encourage parents to raise boys to express their feelings so they can develop a more complex dialogue about their emotions.
    3. Single men are not equipped to handle women of power who don’t need them in their world but want them in their world.

    I do have some thoughts that I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

    Dating: The other view
    ————————————
    “Single men now don’t know how to react to women that don’t need them”.

    Ditto for some single women.
    I grew up in a world where I saw my mother struggle with domestic responsibilities and decided I didn’t want my partner to suffer through a thankless servitude. As a guy, If you can cook, fold clothes, clean, chase your ambition, make money, manage the social calendar and respect sexual boundaries, women are happy, however, it does seem to throw off equilibrium, expectations and sometimes reciprocity. For instance: He doesn’t need me, what’s my role? Or he does it all? I don’t need to commit anything extra. Another obstacle is mistaking evolved behaviors for weakness. The proper balance is hella tricky.

    There are men out there who are woke and are doing the best they can. There are challenges with masculine expectations that make our journey hard to navigate. The expectations are confusing and some mind reading is expected. It’s almost like we have to reframe chivalry—who pays for the date? Who is expected to pursue the other person?— and ask, with each new person, what is their idea of how a man should treat women. I rarely hear a woman ask how he wants to be treated as a man. We don’t have deep discussions about social norms and how to negotiate our new reality.

    Calls to Action
    ————————
    “What we should have been doing, is teaching boys and girls how to lead together,”

    That may be our job. I think the article is timely because we are ready to raise boys better as we continue to strengthen our girls. With the “me too” movement I feel very encouraged for future generations.

    Unfortunately, We can’t hop in the DeLorean and fix our dating problems. And I don’t think we killed it, I hope it’s not dead. It may need resuscitation, however.

    Luckily for me, I was heavily influenced by my mother and a village of women that raised me. I can’t say they had the skills to teach me how to lead with them. The most they could do is ask me to listen, respect them, and be empathetic to their plight.
    That’s a great starting point.
    It should be up to the guys you date to be forward thinking enough to follow-up, read-up, study-up, podcast-up, to find what contemporary women need and it could be up to you to find out what evolved guys need in support from their partner.

    The Bright Side
    ————————
    “Also, if you are single-looking-for-a-relationship and agree with all of this, give me a shout…”

    I don’t agree with all of this. For me, agreement with everything may or may not be criteria for chemistry. And, I see that statement as a challenge that comes with wielding power, gender exclusive. Healthy debate can be hot.

    We are out there (strong, loving, funny, supportive, domesticated, empathetic, pro-feminist, therapy-believers) and we do also face struggles.
    I know sometimes all of this causes me to feel anxious, isolated and option-less.
    I appreciated your perspective and hopefully, this gives you some small ray of hope or, at least, another view.

    Thanks for putting this article out there. Good luck out there finding the bright side of partnership.

    From,
    an average-looking guy with evolved perspectives, who has never been intimidated by beautiful powerful women — but I drive a Prius, so there’s that. lol.

    P.S.
    you may dig this episode of Hidden Brain
    (https://www.npr.org/2018/03/19/594719471/guys-we-have-a-problem-how-american-masculinity-creates-lonely-men_).
    Good for guys to understand the value of emotions and relationships. And there are some pretty cute moments and it’s hella sobering.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Terrance,
      Thank you for this reply! It’s nice to know that men feel out of place in the dating world too. Well, actually, nice knowing that women aren’t alone in feeling this way.

      Would you be open to writing a guest blog on my page? We can call it “Dating Isn’t Dead, But It Does Need Resuscitating”

      It would be great to get to share things from a progressive man’s perspective. You brought up several great discussion points that should be heard. That could get other people to start having conversations on their own.

      Let me know if you’d like to!

      Best,
      Sarah

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sarah –

        I’m energized to hear the perspective shed some light and good vibes.

        Thanks for the invitation; that could be fun. The collaborative process could be insightful for all involved. Would you mind giving me a couple of days to flush out the idea and supply you with a few questions about goals and direction? I definitely have enough info. I do need to figure out best ways to distill it because gender, roles, and power dynamics could keep the conversation going for awhile.

        I do dig the title: “Dating isn’t Dead, But it does need Resuscitating”
        My initial thoughts on that title are:
        We (your readers) would all have to unlearn a lot. I know I have. It’s daunting.
        The key to resuscitation maybe being more vulnerable and open on both sides.
        Asking people to be more vulnerable in this digital dating jungle, an age where we have no qualms about ghosting conversations and humans, without slight sting of guilt, it is a large ask. Like, some type of tricky emotional jiu-jitsu: do this non-habitual awkward, uncomfortable move (be more vulnerable and open) and we promise it will position you for better control over your relationships and life.

        Being vulnerable, open, strong and protective is perplexing for all of us.
        Plus, we’ve socially attached gender rules that, at this stage, confuse who we are and how we act with each other.
        And, we have to find ways to break free and find each other…

        Ok, that may have been a rant.
        Anyways… The answer is yes. Let me figure out where to start.
        It would be great to hear your further thoughts.

        — — —
        Also. not everything I communicate to you will be in a “ready-to-post” format.
        I don’t know about this one. So, tmmoline@gmail.com might be a better vehicle for brainstorming. If you want to post, please curate kindly.

        T.

        Like

      2. Ok ma’am. I have an idea worked out based on your suggested title. Send an email, at your conveinence, when you would like to go over it.

        T.

        Like

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