Dating Is Dead, and We Totally Killed It.

If you talk to your single friends, you’ll most likely find that the general consensus is that dating sucks right now. Single-looking-for-a-relationship status is a tough one to be in. Especially for women. Now you may be expecting a male bashing post, but that’s not what you’re going to get.

This post is all about how we are bringing up our kids. How we raise boys versus how we raise girls. I’ve touched on this before, and am coming back to it now because it has really eff’ed with my own dating life.

We did women a solid and started raising them to be comfortable being strong, smart, opinionated, and independent women. Females are taught that they should be comfortable expressing their mind, expressing their feelings, and expressing their needs. We have started teaching young girls that they can be whatever they want in life, from CEO to President of the United States. That they can freely speak their mind, and turn down or put a stop to things and behaviors they do not like. This was a very important change in how we started bringing up our girls. It was a much needed and long-awaited change. While it has started, it still isn’t happening everywhere though.

What we forgot to do, was change how we are bringing up our young men. Men nowadays don’t quite know what to do with the women that have been lucky enough to be brought up in this way. They are still being taught that they are the ones that will go out and be the bosses, owners, and leaders in the world, along with other men. They are not taught that women are their peers. We don’t teach them that women have a say in things, and to respect the wishes of females. This is what makes it so hard for some men to take no as a one-time and final answer from a woman.

There are very real differences in how men and women think, and process information and feelings, but that should not affect teaching children that both men and women can be strong and independent. Single men now don’t know how to react to women that don’t need them. They are very offended, some even threatened, by this concept, when it really is a huge compliment. If someone doesn’t need you, yet wants to spend every day with you, that is quite flattering! It says a lot of good things about your character.

What we should have been doing, is teaching boys and girls how to lead together, regardless of sex. Accept the fact that males and females are different creatures, and teach kids how to accept this as well, without limiting roles we teach them about. “Yes, you are a very big boy. You will probably be able to squat more than her, but she may be able to out-sell you. If she does, she will also make more money than you.”

We also need to let boys express their feelings, from the very beginning. Strong and independent women don’t have time for games and bullshit. There’s nothing that will end a relationship faster than realizing you cannot have an adult conversation with someone. And by adult conversation, I mean direct, truthful, and tactful. If we keep teaching men they are not supposed to talk about their feelings, they are never going to cut it with the modern woman.

I do, however, believe that old dogs can learn new tricks, so if you are a man reading this, and agree with what’s being said, shed the olds ways and hop on into the new.

Don’t Be a Dick Because I Don’t Have One

I’m a pretty bubbly person. I smile, a lot. I also value hard work, and have a very intense grind mode. When I’m in grind mode, just sit back and watch me work.

I have worked in the customer service industry in some form or fashion for over 20 years now. I am just about always having to be “on”. My work ethic has put me in a position, at just about every job I’ve had, to have added responsibility. I thrive in high demand environments.

This all sounds great, right? It is. There is one thing I had to deal with though, and plenty of women are still dealing with it, that no male ever would. Like ever, ever. When I get in my zone, and start getting things done, I’ve got my serious face on. The one where I am ready to dominate whatever tasks lie ahead. There is nothing worse than being in this zone, and having someone come up to you, interrupt your flow, just so they can say, “Hey, why aren’t you smiling??”

“Whaaaaa?! You really interrupted me, for THAT?!”

I get it, people love my smile. (It’s an alright smile.) If you wanna see it, try saying something smile worthy! You would NEVER walk up to any man in any work place, who was clearly amid some form of work, stop his momentum, and ask him why he wasn’t smiling. Never. Don’t even pretend like you would, cause I know you’re lying.

There is still some lingering standard left over from the 1950’s about the role women play in the work force. I had to deal with it mostly when I was in the service industry working at the number of high volume establishments I was employed by. Fortunately, my current job is amazing, and I work with badass adults who just get it. I know there are women out there dealing with this in non-service industry jobs as well. One of my best friends gets it like every other day!

This happens outside of work too. I can be having a regular moment, running errands, or walking through the store, and some stranger will come up and ask… I mean, come on man! Why aren’t YOU walking around with a cheesy ass grin on your face?

If you want to see a woman smile, don’t ask her why she is not smiling, say something nice, or funny, or charming that will put a smile on her face. Trust me, you’ll like the smile you get from that a whole lot more anyway. (;

You Think You’re Cool and Accepting, Mixed People Think You’re an A$$#OLE.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation…

“So, are you black??”

“No, I’m mixed.”

“You have black in you?”

“Yep. Italian, German, Black, and Cherokee.”

“Oh, well then, you’re black.”

Don’t you think if it was the same thing, I would’ve just said yes?! What was the point of even asking if you were just going to correct me anyways? Look, I know your point of saying being mixed is the same thing as being black, is to prove that you are “cool” with black people, but it’s offensive. When someone takes the time to correct you, it’s because they don’t identify as black. Mixed kids get labeled as white by the black kids, and black as the white kids. We can’t check just one box.

Mixed kids may not have even grown up with all of their races in their household, so when you just assume they understand whatever racial stereotype you are talking/joking to them about, and they give you a blank stare, it’s because they’re thinking to themselves, “What an idiot!” For some reason, people feel the need to bring up racial stereotypes in a joking manner, to prove that they are not racist. In reality, all you are doing is proving that you do believe the stereotypes. That you’re not as open minded as you think you are.

I am the only one that’s mixed in my family. My siblings have a different biological father, who happens to be my dad, so we all grew up together. (If you’re confused by this, don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have a blog on being a dad vs being a biological father one day…) Everyone else in our house is white. I am very close with my brother, he’s one of my best friends. I remember the first time he introduced me as his half sister. My heart sank into my stomach. We don’t call each other half brothers and sisters. He only did it because he was tired of people giving us the crazy look we get, and the “Wait…What??? Y’all are…???” questions. When I did the same thing with my sister, she felt I was rejecting her. It hurt her for years, until I was able to explain myself.

It’s hard enough not being like the rest of your family, without the outside opinions of all the “super excepting” assholes out there. If you do live in a house with both sides of your heritage, you are most certainly not going to want to only claim one half and completely ignore the other. Both sides have shown you love, so why shouldn’t you be able to claim both?

Stop giving people a hard time because they don’t want to do that. I’m going to say this again, stop trying to make people check one box.

If you really want to be cool and accepting, try getting to know someone…in a normal fashion. Ask them questions about where they’re from; what kind of music they like; what their favorite food is. Don’t just assume they listen to Tejano and love tamales, they may be half French and half Venezuelan. Or they could be half German and half Mexican, and happen to love tamales. If they do love tamales, ask them if their Mom makes them, and then invite yourself over for dinner! This is totally cool AND accepting.

Strong Women Need Strength (Part 2)

In the last month, I’ve been told by two different women that they would either be scared to date me, or not know what to think of me if they were a guy. One was referring to my physical strength, and the other to my personality. She said my personality would be “confusing.”

This got me thinking. Strong women not only need strength from their men, but from other women too. We should be applauding someone out there achieving their goals, who’s not just focused on finding a husband!

Stop conforming to what the Lost Boys are looking for. They want a girl that either can’t, or won’t challenge them in any way. The “go along with everything, no matter what I may want, or have time for” type of girl. When one girl tells another that she couldn’t date her if she were a guy, it’s just helping those guys, who are trying to skate through life doing as little as possible, with the most amount of ass as possible, expand their terrible dating standards for women.

Who cares if a woman is more focused on her career than what she’s going to wear on her date that night?! Why is it a big deal if she’s not super excited to be going on another first date? I am not gonna get excited about hanging out with a guy until I know that he is the type of man I want to spend some of my time with.

As far as not wanting to date me because of how physically strong I am, PLEASE… I cannot take away his manhood with how much I can lift, or the fact that I can do pull-ups. Just about all of being a man lies in his persona. I personally love the gender roles where a man holds the door, carries things, or walks on the side closest to the street. Me being able to lift more than some of the guys out there is not going to take away from that, unless they let it.

From one woman to all of you strong women out there, keep it up. You are amazing. You inspire me to be the best version of myself that I can be. I am going to be that version with or without a man in my life. Count on that.

Strong Women Need Strength (Part 1)

The older I get, the more comfortable I become with myself. I love who I am. I know what I want out of life. I don’t depend on anyone to make what I want happen. This makes me a strong woman. I am proud of that.

This also makes dating hard as fuck!

Strong women need strength from whomever is going to be in their life romantically. We have goals, and are highly motivated to achieve them. You can’t get butt hurt when you are not the center of our attention at all times of the day. It’s nothing personal if we don’t text you throughout the day. We are busy; trying to make things happen; furthering ourselves along.

If you want to date a strong woman, you need to have your own goals to focus on, something that you are thinking about all day. Send a good morning/have a beautiful day text, and don’t expect to hear/read anything, other than a reciprocation of that, back until anywhere from the end of the day, to two days later. For real tho, some weeks are just that busy.

Strong women are attracted to people that are going places in life, and accomplishing things. We need a partner that is not going to be intimidated by the fact that we don’t need anyone else to get things done. Support is always appreciated, just not a necessity. We love hearing that you think we’re doing a good job, or that you love our ideas, we’re just not going to ask to hear it. You have to do that on your own, and if you do, we will show our appreciation.

To keep one of these gems around, you’re gonna have to get comfortable with decision making. We’ve been making decisions, giving recommendations, and guiding people all day. The last thing we want to do is have to decide where we are going that night, or even what movie we’ll be watching. I’ve driven around for an hour before trying to decide where I want to eat, only to end up just going home and finding whatever I can in the pantry! No lie. Those decisions seem small, but after a busy week, they are just not happening in this brain. Trust me, if I care, I will tell you. It’s just that, most of the time, I won’t care.

Lastly, if you are into a strong lady, don’t tell her she’s intimidating. That is not considered a compliment. In fact, that’ll kill it, right then and there. She’ll respect you a lot more for paying her an actual compliment, and you may just make her day a little better, which might make her want to stop what she’s doing and talk to you…

We are strong women. We. Need. Strength. Just be yourself and take charge.

funny or die house sxsw 2016
Photo by Riley Blanks Photography

I love my body, and if that makes you uncomfortable, sorry for ya!

I’m human. You’re human. What makes us so? Our bodies! And our brains, yes. This post is about the human form though.

I’ve got this body with me, experiencing everything, every emotion, that I go through day in and day out. This body doesn’t change when I’m happy, sad, angry, hangry, feeling sexy, or feeling hurt. I’ve gotten to a place where I love my body, with the room for improvement there is and all. I don’t see a reason for me to have to hide that.

I recently did a boudoir photo shoot with Kara Marie Boudoir. I did this to see the sexy side of myself that I never get to see. I feel it, and to a lucky few, I show this side of myself, but I don’t ever witness it. What I actually got when these shots came back was the confident side, the happy side, the carefree side, the fun side, along with the sexy side.

We, as a society, stress to women that they need to cover themselves up. If a woman wears something that’s too short, or low-cut, she’s dressed like a slut. How do you know she’s going out sleeping with men because you can see skin? If she is going out sleeping with men, why do you care?? (Another post, I know, I know.) Why can’t women be comfortable with the bodies that we have? Why does seeing skin make people so uncomfortable? What happened to nudity being art?

We are not used to seeing nudity in our society unless it’s pornographic. Our media is highly censored, we don’t visit art museums on a regular basis, and we don’t have nude beaches. The only time most people see someone naked, is when sex is involved. This is sad. So many adults don’t know how to conduct themselves around partial nudity, let alone a fully nude figure.

I for one am not going to let this affect how I feel about my body, and am not going to get shamed into hiding the body that I have. I’m wearing the clothes I feel comfortable in. I’m going to have my picture taken, with or without clothes, and I’m going to post those pics. I’m proud of them! The lifestyle that I live gives me the body that I have, and I’m in a very good place. I don’t feel obligated to hide any of that, in whatever form it comes in.

Sarah_KaraMarieBoudoir-8I love my body! If that makes you uncomfortable, sorry for ya!!

Perfection Should Be a Feeling, NOT a standard. (30 day challenge)

funny or die house sxsw 2016
Photo by Riley Blanks Photography

Have you ever had the perfect bite of dessert? Yeah, me too! However, I bet yours was different than mine. That’s why some people are edge of the pan brownie people, while others want that middle of the pan piece. Then there’s me, I just add water to the mix, throw it in the fridge, and eat it with a spoon!

All of those are perfect options for different people, and I feel safe betting that if you’re reading this, you can agree with that point. Let them eat the brownie (mix) they like, right? Okay, so why can’t we do this for ourselves when it comes to how we look? For other people? Why are we setting these crazy, unattainable, standards for ourselves that are being accepted as a norm?

If you have full thighs, celebrate them! Stop trying to attain a thigh gap that you genetically shouldn’t have. Be thankful if you have an hourglass figure, stop thinking about muffins when you look at yourself in the mirror. (Unless you are turned on by muffins. Then you keep on thinking of those delicious muffins.) If you have a thigh gap, and you cannot make your thighs touch no matter how much you squat and eat, and squat and eat, love your long beautiful legs.

I want you to think of the outfit in your wardrobe that you look best in, you own shit in, you walk down the street and everyone KNOWS how good it looks. You know why everyone knows? ‘Cause YOU know! And every step you take exudes that. You know why that is? Cause you feel sexy! Maybe your eyes pop, maybe your butt looks cute, or maybe you just have no worries in this outfit. Whatever it is, you feel it. You feel it as you currently are. Nothing has changed! So why do you let that feeling go away?

I’m not saying we should all stop trying to make improvements, but I am saying that we should be realistic about where we want to be. At some point, we have to realize when we are taking it too far. Focusing on “imperfections” and negative self-talking are only going to bring us down. You get the same kind of energy you put out, even from yourself!

My 30-day challenge to all of you: Write down your top 3 goals. Put that paper away.

Wake up every day for the next 30 days, and write down 3 positive things, or things you are thankful about YOURSELF. Doesn’t have to be physical. ANYTHING.

At the end of the 30 days, read through that list (There will NINETY great things about you on that list!), and re-read your goals. Have they changed? If so, write the new ones down. Whether they’ve changed or not, get started on those goals, but now with a positive vibe running through your mind.

Post your positive vibes on social media. Use the hashtag #30daysofpositive. Share the love!  ❤

It’s time to find perfection in what we currently have.