We SHOULD Be Talking Politics!

There are two things you are never supposed to discuss. Religion and politics. Touchy subjects. They tend to get heated pretty quickly. Have we ever thought that is because we never get to talk about them with other people?

We don’t ever get to have our political ideas heard by anyone that feels differently than we do, so why are we surprised when people get so adamant about getting their point across? If we were used to discussing ideas, every day, with people who don’t necessarily have the same viewpoint, we may not feel as inclined to cut people off and yell to make ourselves heard.

Politics are something we live with every day, even if we choose not to talk/think about them. Most political people are trying to see some kind of change in the world. Everyone has their platforms. There’s always one area where we feel we can make the biggest difference. To make change, we need ideas. Big ideas. I will tell you guys, sometimes I get my best ideas from the most random experiences. When I am completely out of my element and interacting in a manner I was not expecting. It can be very thought inspiring. Why can’t we think like this when it comes to politics?

We need to be able to sit down and have a civilized conversation with the people we see day in and day out, about things that are important to us. There are always multiple ways to get to a final destination. If we think of the change we are trying to see in the world, the different perspective may do us some good. Being passionate about something can cause blinders, and there may be an aspect that we’re not seeing. It may just take a friend from the “other side” to point this out to us.

The one thing we have got to stop doing, is making our discussions about which side is in the right. A side is not going to “win” through one discussion among friends. On the flip side of that, your side is not going to “lose” if a great point is brought up by someone else. Stop pointing fingers, stop jumping to what people are doing wrong, and start with solutions. What actions do you think will solve this problem? Why are those actions going to make a difference? Then listen for those answers from others.

It’s not going to be something that changes overnight, but we can start taking steps in the right direction. At the beginning of our happy hours (pre-crunk), we could talk about current events and how we feel about them. We need to focus on the words and statements that we’re making; trying not to make blanket statements but making statements about how we feel. Giving our own reactions without any name-calling. After we’ve made our statement, stopping to listen to our friends’ reactions, really listening. This is our friend, we should care how they feel. I mean after all, if you don’t care about their ideas, why are you friends with them?

Perfectionists Have Bad Days Too

Do you know someone who is always on top of their game? They seem to be able to multi-task no matter what is going on, they have stuff ready for you without you even asking, or their feathers rarely ruffle?? Sounds like you know a perfectionist.

Perfectionists can’t really help themselves when it comes to doing all of the things. Their day is never really finished, even if the latest project is, because they’ve got three more lined up. It may seem like they have it all together, all of the time, however, you are not seeing the insane amount of pressure this person is putting on themselves.

Perfectionism may be nice for an employer, and annoying for the friend that can’t keep up, but it is a struggle for the person living it. Imagine having a list of things you need to get done, and will get done, but that list can never be completed. And I mean never, not as long as you are still a perfectionist. As soon as you are almost ready to check one thing off, you are already adding the next thing, if not more, to do.

For the most part, this works out well for everyone involved. Shit’s getting taken care of. Problems are being solved. Before long, people stop asking this person if they are going to do things because it’s just expected. People stop checking in on this person to see if they are okay and handling their list, because they are always okay. The words “thank you” are no longer said when they do something for someone. Things start getting added to their list from everyone around them, and not attached to the word “please”, because they are dependable and “they can handle it.”

Well, let me tell you friends, one day they won’t be able to handleall of the things, and you’re going to wonder what the F happened. You are going to look at them with a look of disappointment that you are not used to looking at them with. They are going to look at you with a look that you are not used to seeing from them, and will probably take the wrong way. The situation is going to spiral downward rather quickly. But, before you freak out on them, just realize that the look they are giving you, which you may see as something negative towards yourself, is actually a look of embarrassment, fear, frustration, failure, and stress to the max all rolled into one. (All self-inflicted wounds, but wounds none the less.)

No one can be harder on a perfectionist than themselves. You may be frustrated with them for overlooking some detail in something, or forgetting to pick something up, but they are beating themselves up over it. I mean full on boxing match against themselves, in their brain. They’re just replaying the mistake over and over, each time really laying into themselves about how they have failed and why they shouldn’t have done that.

So, if you have a perfectionist friend, who may or may not be obnoxiously amazing, try to be gentle with them on their off days. Offer help, though you know they most likely won’t take it – it’s the thought that counts for them. No need to harp on the mishaps, they get it. Besides, knowing them, they’ll probably be more productive tomorrow trying to make up for it.

Dating Is Dead, and We Totally Killed It.

If you talk to your single friends, you’ll most likely find that the general consensus is that dating sucks right now. Single-looking-for-a-relationship status is a tough one to be in. Especially for women. Now you may be expecting a male bashing post, but that’s not what you’re going to get.

This post is all about how we are bringing up our kids. How we raise boys versus how we raise girls. I’ve touched on this before, and am coming back to it now because it has really eff’ed with my own dating life.

We did women a solid and started raising them to be comfortable being strong, smart, opinionated, and independent women. Females are taught that they should be comfortable expressing their mind, expressing their feelings, and expressing their needs. We have started teaching young girls that they can be whatever they want in life, from CEO to President of the United States. That they can freely speak their mind, and turn down or put a stop to things and behaviors they do not like. This was a very important change in how we started bringing up our girls. It was a much needed and long-awaited change. While it has started, it still isn’t happening everywhere though.

What we forgot to do, was change how we are bringing up our young men. Men nowadays don’t quite know what to do with the women that have been lucky enough to be brought up in this way. They are still being taught that they are the ones that will go out and be the bosses, owners, and leaders in the world, along with other men. They are not taught that women are their peers. We don’t teach them that women have a say in things, and to respect the wishes of females. This is what makes it so hard for some men to take no as a one-time and final answer from a woman.

There are very real differences in how men and women think, and process information and feelings, but that should not affect teaching children that both men and women can be strong and independent. Single men now don’t know how to react to women that don’t need them. They are very offended, some even threatened, by this concept, when it really is a huge compliment. If someone doesn’t need you, yet wants to spend every day with you, that is quite flattering! It says a lot of good things about your character.

What we should have been doing, is teaching boys and girls how to lead together, regardless of sex. Accept the fact that males and females are different creatures, and teach kids how to accept this as well, without limiting roles we teach them about. “Yes, you are a very big boy. You will probably be able to squat more than her, but she may be able to out-sell you. If she does, she will also make more money than you.”

We also need to let boys express their feelings, from the very beginning. Strong and independent women don’t have time for games and bullshit. There’s nothing that will end a relationship faster than realizing you cannot have an adult conversation with someone. And by adult conversation, I mean direct, truthful, and tactful. If we keep teaching men they are not supposed to talk about their feelings, they are never going to cut it with the modern woman.

I do, however, believe that old dogs can learn new tricks, so if you are a man reading this, and agree with what’s being said, shed the olds ways and hop on into the new.

The Modern Face of Racism

funny or die house sxsw 2016
photo by Riley Blanks

When we hear the word racism, many of us think of derogatory terms, extreme hatred, and violent acts. We may be envisioning black and white pics from the 60’s of black people being mistreated in the streets. A great deal of us, myself included, had probably even at some point thought that we had come far enough to say that racism wasn’t really a day-to-day issue that people had to face. (Unless they really went looking for it.)

Well folks, unfortunately, those of us with that bright outlook on life were very, very wrong.

We live in a day and age where racism has changed so much, most people that are behaving in a racist manor, don’t believe they are in fact racist. When you actually look up the definition of racism, however, you are reminded that it is much more than derogatory terms, extreme hatred, and violent acts. It’s the belief that your race is superior to another. That’s it, plain and simple, but with much more weight.

You don’t have to outwardly say or do anything to be racist. All you have to have is the belief that someone of another race cannot amount to what you are, simply because of their race. Sadly, most of the time in our current world, that turns up in the work place. A lot of people aren’t considered to be hired, or kept on once they are. My guess is that their superiors are uncomfortable around them because of their race. Because they are “different”.

This may not make sense to some you, and you may be thinking to yourself, “That’s NOT racist!” It actually is though. If you are not comfortable being around someone because they don’t look like you and you can’t relate to them, enough so that you fire them or just don’t hire them, then you have some sort of belief that they are not equal to you. Be it in values, morals, competency, or normalcy (which what really is “normal”??), you feel they don’t add up to what you and the people with whom you feel most comfortable with

(most likely your own race) do.

Let’s face it, most people like being around what feels familiar, and what they’re used to. Not too many folks go out and pick the craziest color they can find, or most outrageous outfit they saw. Just think of how hard it is to get some friends to try a new food if they can’t tell what it is by looking at it. A lot of people have let this sort of thinking take over in every aspect of their life though!

“You don’t dress like me, you must not be able to do my job.”

“I don’t talk like that, you must not be as smart as me.”

“You don’t go through the same process to get ready in the morning as I do, you’re weird.”

This shit all sounds strange when you read like this, but take a step back and really examine what’s going on in your head when you meet or see someone that you can’t immediately relate to based on their looks. If you don’t like anything about what you’ve just discovered, stop and think about all the people in the world that aren’t as open-minded as you are.

Now can you see? Houston, we have a problem.

Being Strong Is One of the Loneliest Places To Be

funny or die house sxsw 2016
Photo by Riley Blanks

I am strong. I know this, as do most people that spend any extended amount of time with me. This makes me dependable, capable, independent, and self-sufficient. It can also make me very lonely.

I live by myself, and I love it. I have everything just the way I want it. I have had great success with my job, which means I have a very packed schedule that I must put as a top priority because I want to remain successful. If I want to go grab lunch, a drink, watch a movie, or visit a cool spot, I have no problem going by myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t like hanging with other people! I am very social. I’d actually prefer to do those things with people, but am not a very good planner when it comes to getting out and about, so it’s often very last minute. This makes it really hard to get friends to join when you’re giving them about a 15 minute heads up.

I think all the above-mentioned things also give the impression that I’m very particular about what I will and will not enjoy doing. When it comes to social outings, I am pretty down for whatever though. If someone takes the time to plan something out, I love just going along for the ride. Strong and independent folks like being able to let loose; not be responsible for a little while.

When people know someone is strong and they don’t need other people, they don’t ask those people if they want company. Needing something and being able to appreciate something are two totally different things though. I don’t need anyone to keep me company, but I love having good company and a friendly listening ear.

Just because you know a person “will be fine”, or “can handle anything”, doesn’t mean it’s going to be an enjoyable situation for them. Strong people, myself especially, often won’t ask for help; not because they don’t trust anyone to help, but because they know they are capable of handling the situation, and a lot of times it’s just faster to get it done on your own. If you’re dealing with a scenario that is not fun, you want it to be over as quickly as possible. I’ll tell you, support is always appreciated, even if it comes after the fact.

Supporting a strong person is not the easiest thing in the world either! They’re going to tell you that they will be alright. They don’t want to burden their circle with their worries. The best thing to do to help a strong friend out, is to just take the initiative. Don’t ask their opinion, just hop on in there with whatever version of support that you have to offer. Trust me, they’ll be taken back and love you even more for it.

Don’t Be a Dick Because I Don’t Have One

I’m a pretty bubbly person. I smile, a lot. I also value hard work, and have a very intense grind mode. When I’m in grind mode, just sit back and watch me work.

I have worked in the customer service industry in some form or fashion for over 20 years now. I am just about always having to be “on”. My work ethic has put me in a position, at just about every job I’ve had, to have added responsibility. I thrive in high demand environments.

This all sounds great, right? It is. There is one thing I had to deal with though, and plenty of women are still dealing with it, that no male ever would. Like ever, ever. When I get in my zone, and start getting things done, I’ve got my serious face on. The one where I am ready to dominate whatever tasks lie ahead. There is nothing worse than being in this zone, and having someone come up to you, interrupt your flow, just so they can say, “Hey, why aren’t you smiling??”

“Whaaaaa?! You really interrupted me, for THAT?!”

I get it, people love my smile. (It’s an alright smile.) If you wanna see it, try saying something smile worthy! You would NEVER walk up to any man in any work place, who was clearly amid some form of work, stop his momentum, and ask him why he wasn’t smiling. Never. Don’t even pretend like you would, cause I know you’re lying.

There is still some lingering standard left over from the 1950’s about the role women play in the work force. I had to deal with it mostly when I was in the service industry working at the number of high volume establishments I was employed by. Fortunately, my current job is amazing, and I work with badass adults who just get it. I know there are women out there dealing with this in non-service industry jobs as well. One of my best friends gets it like every other day!

This happens outside of work too. I can be having a regular moment, running errands, or walking through the store, and some stranger will come up and ask… I mean, come on man! Why aren’t YOU walking around with a cheesy ass grin on your face?

If you want to see a woman smile, don’t ask her why she is not smiling, say something nice, or funny, or charming that will put a smile on her face. Trust me, you’ll like the smile you get from that a whole lot more anyway. (;

You Think You’re Cool and Accepting, Mixed People Think You’re an A$$#OLE.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation…

“So, are you black??”

“No, I’m mixed.”

“You have black in you?”

“Yep. Italian, German, Black, and Cherokee.”

“Oh, well then, you’re black.”

Don’t you think if it was the same thing, I would’ve just said yes?! What was the point of even asking if you were just going to correct me anyways? Look, I know your point of saying being mixed is the same thing as being black, is to prove that you are “cool” with black people, but it’s offensive. When someone takes the time to correct you, it’s because they don’t identify as black. Mixed kids get labeled as white by the black kids, and black as the white kids. We can’t check just one box.

Mixed kids may not have even grown up with all of their races in their household, so when you just assume they understand whatever racial stereotype you are talking/joking to them about, and they give you a blank stare, it’s because they’re thinking to themselves, “What an idiot!” For some reason, people feel the need to bring up racial stereotypes in a joking manner, to prove that they are not racist. In reality, all you are doing is proving that you do believe the stereotypes. That you’re not as open minded as you think you are.

I am the only one that’s mixed in my family. My siblings have a different biological father, who happens to be my dad, so we all grew up together. (If you’re confused by this, don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have a blog on being a dad vs being a biological father one day…) Everyone else in our house is white. I am very close with my brother, he’s one of my best friends. I remember the first time he introduced me as his half sister. My heart sank into my stomach. We don’t call each other half brothers and sisters. He only did it because he was tired of people giving us the crazy look we get, and the “Wait…What??? Y’all are…???” questions. When I did the same thing with my sister, she felt I was rejecting her. It hurt her for years, until I was able to explain myself.

It’s hard enough not being like the rest of your family, without the outside opinions of all the “super excepting” assholes out there. If you do live in a house with both sides of your heritage, you are most certainly not going to want to only claim one half and completely ignore the other. Both sides have shown you love, so why shouldn’t you be able to claim both?

Stop giving people a hard time because they don’t want to do that. I’m going to say this again, stop trying to make people check one box.

If you really want to be cool and accepting, try getting to know someone…in a normal fashion. Ask them questions about where they’re from; what kind of music they like; what their favorite food is. Don’t just assume they listen to Tejano and love tamales, they may be half French and half Venezuelan. Or they could be half German and half Mexican, and happen to love tamales. If they do love tamales, ask them if their Mom makes them, and then invite yourself over for dinner! This is totally cool AND accepting.